The last 3 years of my life had shaken me up and the people, one man in particular, had impacted me greatly. This blog isn’t about him. But as I sat in agony and bitterness for days, even months due to the betrayal of one person and the lies he had told to fulfill selfish needs, I began to lose any trust or faith in humanity altogether.
I will definitely write a long, explanatory, analytic and hopefully inspiring blog about this encounter one day. When I am completely healed from the negative encounter, perhaps. But today I want to tell you about something, or rather someone, more positive and contrasting in many ways to that person.

It has been a sulk of a week, a slump of  a month, and a slouch of a year. I finally picked up the phone and texted a friend from my new number to check in on her and to let off the last bit of steam. (Yes, the end of a tragic encounter lead me to behaviours as drastic as changing my number.) If I went into details I’d probably take up a hudreds of pages and months to write it all down. But the effect it had on me was so destructive that I had gone from the sweetheart, to hating people -men especially- in moments. I deemed everyone untrustworthy and I wrote off every family member and friend under the bitterly sworn oath of “I’ll never allow anyone to mistreat me again. I’ll never trust anyone again.”
I had myself convinced that it is afterall a fallen world, and that not one soul could be redeemed. Let’s face it we’ve all been there, rock bottom and nowhere to turn, feeling cornered and dealt a bad hand one too many times, by one too many persons in too short of a season. Well, this was my version of that season. When I woke up this morning, I was regretful of a hundred encounters, a thousand choices and a million mistakes. I gave up on the belief that people could ever be any good, and if they had any kindness in them it was masking some kind of ulterior motive.

Thank God I contacted my friend. She simply brought up a name that resounded heavily and I came to a sudden hault when remembering this person. She told me that my high school track coach had or was retiring and it struck a very tear jerking reaction in me. I remembered everything this great coach had done for my teammates and I. I mean we were a handful bunch, and everyday with us was like a mad sitcom of angry, outrageous teenagers who took everything out on the track, but this man not only put up with us but also taught us everything we ever needed to know in order to survive the bad, push through the hard and speed past the finish line.

He was more than just a coach. He was a mentor, a teacher, and encourager, and at times a father figure. When a teammate’s family couldn’t afford to fly south to visit a  university, he flew down with her. When I first moved out he actually brought me my first furniture. I remember him dragging the other team members along all the way to my new place with boxes of kitchenware and functional, necessary furniture. He taught us that giving up was not an option and he always – every single time – went out of his way to support us and to make sure we were on track somehow.

I automatically began to compare the differences between the two types of people. My coach who gave his life to create incredible athletes and instill discipline, winning habits, mindsets and strategies in them,.versus the man who admitted to me recently that he was selfish and that all he wants is money, power and control over people (including me).
I realized that there will always be the good alongside the bad. That is will “it will rain on the just and the unjust”. That’s beauty and irony of life. Good and evil will always be balanced out, not always evenly, but always coexisting. It’s up to us to decide what we allow to move us, and what we must surpass with indifference.

I had to make a choice tonight to either allow the dogs of this world to dictate my character, define my happiness and determine my perspectives of the world or to allow the gems of the world to become the kind of person I want to portray to the world. The kind of person who creates other gems. There will be Hitlers and Mandelas all around us, but whom will we follow and whom will we imitate?

I was certainly blessed to have been coached by the most praised and celebrated coach in the history of High School track and field. Definitely a man worthy of it, who made a great difference to all of us under his mentorship. And I know today, as I write this post that I want to be able to touch peoples lives and leave imprints of goodness, kindness and encouragement in those I come across just as he did. That’s the kind of personality I’d like to model.

I sat here for awhile reminiscing about one of the most bittersweet memories of track practice. It was a pretty consistent one since I so very much loved the burgers and fries at our school cafe. We would be training at York U and right after my first set of mega twos or endurance work outs (and I mean those 400s and 600s were killer), every so often, I would end up puking. Why? Like I said, I loved my deep fried, extra fatty lunches. But no sooner than I washed my mouth and took a sip of water, Dagger would ask, “Douglas you ok man?”
And I would nod hesitantly, hoping I wouldn’t have to finish that work out. (I still very much loathe the mega twos). But Dagger would ever so casually state,”on the track. You’re next.”
So cheers to Dagger, aka Anthony D’Agostino, for making a huge difference in the lives of hundreds of young athletes. For molding them from children into indredible, talented and aunthentic young men and women who never give up simply because he NEVER LET US GIVE UP.
Thank you Dagger for everything and I wish you an awesome retirement.

R. A. Newton
(Previously known as R. A. Douglas)
August 15, 2015.

The Chase

We hurt the people worth keeping
To chase those better leaving.
In the muddled clutter of struggles-
The money, the study
The honey, the strategy-
The irony,
Is that everything we chase becomes everything we wish we never encountered.
What is life but a ‘vanity of vanities’?

R. A. Newton
August 14, 2015.

White Rose

A dozen white roses
And a million white lies
Is what it took to win her
One simple mistake
And an ugly truth
Is all it took to destroy her.

A china glazed doll
A molded figurine
Life breathing painting she was
One smirk to capture
A sweet word to conquer
And one last lie to bind her.

Beauty they called her
Yes, a beauty she was
In the eyes of a preying beholder
One whisper of his love
One touch of deceit
And a poisonous kiss to defeat her.

R. A. Newton
July 15, 2015.

Soul Man – Chapter 1 : Adonis

Students were finally gathering their belongings and filing out of the classroom. It was a clumsy, unorganized affair. The professor waited patiently as the last student added the final touches to his blueprint. We scurried to our usual seats. All except me. Of course the one baldheaded, overachieving, nerd of student who is always last to leave the class, had to sit in my seat.

Just a little bit annoyed I took the seat right behind him and settled in. He was still there. The clock was ticking and he had a whole two minutes before our professor would throw him and his belongings out with the female professor who, still, waited ever so patiently for this.

He-let’s call him Baldy since I didn’t know his name yet- finally looked up from his work and rolled his blueprint into a gigantic baton. I was still annoyed but also curious to see his face. I just wanted to know who Mr. Seat-stealer was, but so far I could only describe the light gleaming off the back of his head.

Suddenly, while I was still caught up in my mind trying to place face to the head, he stood up. All 6ft 4 inches of him, standing sturdy and tall with a posture of a noble Englishman. He was probably 3 times my size, maybe almost 300lbs of solid muscle and could probably destroy anything that made contact with his steel physique. This was just a side view.

Swinging his backpack over one shoulder he turned his face to me, looking right at me. Or should I say, looking right through me? A piercing intensity in his eyes as we made eye contact, for a brief moment, while piercing but distant, his eyes passed right over me. All the while I could not take my eyes off of him.

I don’t know for sure, but my jaw might have dropped. I might have had my mouth gaping wide open in awe as I shamelessly stared at this handsome man. His eyes, his nose, his jaw line, his lips, his body; not one part of him was out of place.

He carried on without ever realizing my existence that day, and my eyes followed him to the door and beyond without blinking. As he exited the class I heard myself whisper, “Adonis.”

I was shaken to reality as my phone vibrated. “Its so hot when you talk legal,” read the line across the top of my screen. Immediately I brought myself back to planet earth where I normally lived, and reminded myself of the complicated rut of a relationship I was actually in at the time. Shaking my head, I put my phone away and forced my attention toward white board.

My poor professor was straining his voice and rapidly going through slides, teaching and lecturing in vain, to a group of tech-addicts who were all smiling down at their crotches where, I’m hoping, they had their mobile devices. I started paying attention, mostly out of sympathy, but slowly, random thoughts started creeping in and out of my mind.

For the first time ever I looked up at a man and was immediately attracted to him. For the first time ever, I wanted to jump out of my seat to run after a stranger just to get his name. For the first time ever, I “checked out” a man while I was seeing someone else. For the first time since meeting Tubz – that’s what we’re going to call the complicated relationship guy- I actually wanted to break up and move on.

It was one long class to sit through that night, and I don’t remember taking any notes. And Baldy? His name isn’t really Baldy or Adonis, but it was a nice enough name to match his demeanour. I’ll tell you more about him and how we met later. But this story is actually more about falling out of love and healing post break up, than about the gorgeous distraction that first took my mind off of Tubz. Adonis is how I realized that I was in denial of the fact that Tubz and I were hanging by a thread.

R. A. Newton

(previously known as R. A. Douglas)

November 20, 2014.

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He was afraid of her femininity.
He had never met a woman who was beautifully satisfied with being a woman.

The power was hers alone. She was gentle and quiet. It was in her subtle acts, and kind words. It was in her dreamer’s gaze and the intensity of her eyes; her impartial attention, intricate observations, and an understanding he could not bare. She had it all, brought it all and gave it all. She left his mind unwound, heart full and body rejuvenated. An antedote ran through her veins and into his soul, ridding him of the poisons of past loves. And as he held her for a brief moment, he believed it all belonged to him.
But he was a simple minded man and so, he let it all slip away. She became, in a impulsive moment, a passing spring breeze full of floral scents and promise of life but never to be grasped with his hands.


R. A. Newton

(previously known as R. A. Douglas)

March 21, 2015.


Her eyes spoke her soul.
Through them he felt her
Falling in love.
Her silence
Spoke volumes more than words.
Through them he heard her
Falling out of love.

R. A. Douglad
March 6, 2015.


The One That Got Away

I am the biggest surpise you’ve ever had.

I am all that you never understood.

I am beauty that caught your eyes

I am thoughts that captured your mind.

I am the voice that soathes your heart.

I am gentleness that caresses your soul.

I am kindness that dissipates all your emotions.

I am sweetness that melts your manhood.

I am words that lift you up.

I am the strength that guards you.

I am the friend that stays beside you.

I am the trust that brought down your walls.

I am your example of unconditional love.

I am the ghost you called a memory.

I am all that you ever wanted.

I am everything you have ever needed.

I am the one.


R. A. Douglas

February 10, 2015.


Continue reading


Then there was quiet
A peace.
An ease in my soul
A comfort I had forgotten the likeness of.
A heavy burden lifted off my heart
With the return of simplicity and grace.
And I thought to myself
If letting go of you feels this good
What was it that I held onto?
What once felt like my life and breath
Is now but a mirage.
It wasn’t you, but the pain I was addicted to.

R. A. Douglas
February 3, 2015.